Mission Complete

Now that I'm done with this quest it's time for me to reflect on it. In all I think the quest was a good idea. I think my subject was too broad, I should've narrowed it down a bit. I still don't know how I would do that but regardless. This quest was a lot more difficult than I thought it would be. Getting 45 minutes 3 times a week with three kids is just insane. I still know that it is very important to get one on one time away with my husband. We've discussed it and we are going to make a conscious effort to get one night away from the kids a month. It's definitley needed. We also need to get away from the house, if I'm not at work I'm at home. If my husband is not at school he's at home. I think I've learned that he needs to get more time away with his friends. I've known this all along but getting him out to actually do this is more than likely not going to happen. I would tell every married couple to make sure they take time for themselves. When we do get out for "date nights" it makes us realize how much we enjoy each other's company. When we're both happy things go so much better!

The end is near

The end of this quest is coming and I can say that this has been the longest month EVER. Trying to schedule time with your husband when you have 3 kids is no jokes. There are some things that I have learned, and there are somethings I knew all along that I put on the back burner that I now realize should've been put first.

We're running with 25% power

This week has not been a good week for us. Chris has been sick with a stomach bug and so all is left to me. So you'd say "Well, then you are running at 50%" yeah, not so much. Without Chris in commission I get wore out a lot easier. I'm high strung, and snapping at the kids. It's times like this you realize how important your partnership is. When you don't have the other person to field some of the kid's wants you tend to lose your patience a little bit quicker. Not only that we are financially strapped this month due to shelling out money to fix the furnace from the flood in August. I cannot wait for this week to be over!

Date nights

If you talk to any happily married couple they will tell you that one of their secrets to success is date night. It has been roughly 8 months since my husband and I have had a date night. During one of our last "sessions" my husband told me "we need a date night". He's right but between the kids, the cost, the time, when are we going to do it? I know my quest is almost up, but I have learned several things from it. One thing I am going to make sure I schedule in each month is date night or date day.

Different lives

I became a corrections officer in June of this year. This has been a lifelong dream of mine. My husband doesn't understand it but he supports me. My husband has no idea what I go through on a daily basis at work. He doesn't know the stress, and when I try to explain it he still doesn't get it.
I've talked to co-workers who have spouses that work "normal" jobs and they all say the same thing. "They don't get it and they never will and you will forever have this problem". The divorce rate among law enforcement is high. Spouses don't understand the connection you have with your coworkers. I live 10 minutes away from my job however I don't come home from work until an hour or more after my shift ends. My husband has jokingly brought up that I have a "boyfriend" at work. This is absolutley not the case. I try to explain to him that we all are connected and we all "debrief" in the parking lot after work. In this line of work it's important to have that communication with your coworkers because they are the one that are going to save your ass if something goes down. We go through a lot together.
Many of the officers where I work are married to each other. When I first started I thought it was weird. Now that I've been there 5 months I realize how much easier it would be to have someone that knows exactly what you go through.... and this realization scares me.

The cost of following your dreams

In August of 2008 we had our 3rd son Leopold. Our middle son Xavier was only 3 and the cost to have both of our kids in daycare would add up to $13,000.00 a year. My husband had a job that he hated and after the cost of two car payments and paying daycare we would have a whopping $75.00 left over each month from his paycheck. This was not worth it. So we decided that in October when I returned to work Chris would become a stay at home dad. This was quite the struggle at first. We went down to one car but in the end it was worth it. A year later my husband realized his dream was to become a baker. We were getting by just fine so we decided he should go to school and get his degree since he was home anyway. So Chris started school in the spring of 2010. We've been doing good financially. We have been able to get caught up on bills, get out of any BAD debt things were on the up and up all while living on ONE income. This wouldn't last long. In February we paid off our one car loan and then decided to pick up another used car and pay cash. The goal was to put the money we had been spending on a car payment ($270.00) into a savings account. This went well until April... yes one month later. When the car that we just paid off took a shit and we had to pay $500.00 to repair it. So there went that savings. Then in May I was offered my dream job BUT the pay was less. Approximatley $300.00 a month less. That's OK we thought because that was money we were putting in savings and in the long run it would work out better for us. So we got by for the summer... until the flooding in August hit and we got 8 inches of water in our basement. This ruined our 2 year old washing machine. We filed a claim with FEMA as insurance didn't cover flooding and we received a check to just cover replacing our washing machine. Then October came and it started getting cold so we kick on the furnace and we got NOTHING. NOTHING coming out of our 4 year old furnace. The flooding ruined the circuit board, gas valve and ignitor. Then add on the $50.00 an hour for labor and we end up with a bill of $475.00.
You may ask what this has to do with marriage. I'll tell you what. I constantly think about money, I constantly worry about what we're going to do. As it stands it's October 27th and I still haven't been able to pay the October mortgage because we had to fix the furnace. I couldn't catch up with the next paycheck or else that would cause other bills to be late and the total amount of those late fees would add up to more than just being late on the mortgage payment. I am the one that handles our finances so this stress keeps me up at night. It makes me a nervous wreck. My husband doesn't stress as much. He tells me that something always works out. My response to that is "I MAKE IT WORK OUT, IT'S ME!!!" I understand why most divorces are the results of arguing over money.

Blog you should follow.

http://heathersunwrittenblog.blogspot.com/

I love this blog, it's written by a girl I graduated school with. Her story is amazing. You watch her grow from the wife of a drug addict, to a mother, to a single mother and then to a happily engaged woman. It's just an awesome story. I love how she writes and how honest she is.

We've NOT lost that loving feeling!

My days off are Wednesday's and Thursday's and this week the whole family has been sick. The hubby and I found it easier to spend some quality time together. We've enjoyed spending extra time on the couch being hacking and sniffling away. We were even able to fit in some "boom boom time" which made the both of us feel more connected. I don't know what it is about being physically with each other makes us feel closer emotionally. I guess that's why they say sex is such an important part of a relationship.

How do others make their marriages work?

I interviewed a couple that are close friends of mine regarding their relationship. I wanted to know how they have kept their marriage together for the past 10 years. I also wanted to know what advice they would offer to other couples. Here are a few snippits of our conversation:
Has marriage always come easily? Ian’s answer was a laugh. Whitney was more verbal with her response, “Oh hell no, it took us probably 3 years to finally get used to living with each other. I mean we weren’t living in my mom’s basement anymore playing house. Now we had a mortgage, and responsibilities and that was an adjustment that each of us went through differently. There were plenty of arguments and I’m pretty sure if we weren’t so broke we would’ve divorced!”

WHat advice would this couple offer to other couples? “Always make sure you take time for yourself and for you as a couple. In the end that’s what you have your marriage. It’s so important and it should be the one thing people cherish but yet we throw it on the backburner. Make sure you get one date night a month. The sooner you make that the easier it will be to continue on with it.”

Epiphany

In my last blog I had a total epiphany. I figured out what the problem could be. I'm sure you all thought we must've spent tons of time sexing each other up.
You thought wrong. Still couldn't do it. It's not that I don't care, because I do. It's just that I am SO tired and I have been sick this week. I know lame excuses. I don't know if it's the weather or what but I can sleep for 8+ hours, then if I sit on the couch I fall asleep. Nothing makes my husband more angry than me falling asleep on the couch after I have already slept for 8+ hours. I don't know why he cares but it pisses him off beyond belief. So if I want to stay up I have to stay moving.
I feel like things have started to change since I started my job as a Correctional Officer and started working 10PM to 6AM. He doesn't understand why I love the job, he doesn't understand the comradery I have with my co-workers. I've talked about this with other co-workers and they say it will never get better. We have a lot of co-workers that are married to each other. I understand why this happens but doesn't mean that is something I wish I had. I like my time away. I love my husband very much I just wish he would be more understanding. So as I continue with this quest I find myself sharing more about my work with him but he doesn't "get" it and that is hard for me. He tells me "I'm sorry, I don't know what you go through." My co-workers do and that's why we spend a lot of time talking to each other after we get off work. I feel like I live this seperate life from my husband and I don't like that but yet I still find myself turning to my co-workers because they understand.
On a positive not since I've started this quest I find that my husband seems to be happy that I've began sharing more about my work with him. Lately he's started accusing me of cheating because I do spend so much time with my co-workers and that is starting to get really old....

What's this quest doing for me...

Since I've taken on this quest I have learned that my husband and I show our love in different ways. Chris shows his love through affection. I show my love by supporting my family financially while my husband goes to school fulltime. How we like to be shown love is also very different. The way I find Chris shows he loves me is by making sure the house is clean, fixing dinner every night, making sure I can get enough sleep during the day because I work nights. This is how I feel Chris shows me he loves me. His idea of showing me he loves me is by constantly groping me. Making sexual advances. This is super frustrating for me.... and even now as I write this I see that even though I hate how he TRIES to show me love I still feel I receive love due to him doing the cooking and the cleaning. What I just now realized is that he likes to be shown love through sex and I only offer that up once a week and I bitch about it the whole time. If this is the only way he feels love then he must be feeling really neglected... and this must be why he's crabby so often.... THIS is why he says I don't put forth an effort in our relationship! Well... there you go this Quest just opened my eyes! When I first started writing this entry I was trying to think of ways this Quest has made a difference and I couldn't think of a single thing. I end it realizing it just made a huge difference.... Now what I do with that info?!? Where do we come to a happy medium?

Let's talk about sex

My idea of this quest and my husband's idea are two totally different things. I made the mistake of telling my husband about this quest. He caught me looking at this blog and thought it was a self help group I was looking at or something. I then had to explain to him what the blog was about thus going into the quest. He quickly reminded me that I have not been following through on my quest. I admit I told him that I thought it would take to long to follow through so I would just make up stuff. He then informed that that was bullshit and he would tell on me to my professor. So here we are and yes so far this week we have had 2 45 minute sessions. Unfortunatley my husband seems to think that these sessions have to include sex and if they aren't including the physical act we should be at least talking about it. You see, my husband could have sex 5 times a day 7 days a week. Me on the other hand, I'm good with once every couple months. I have NO drive WHAT-SO-EVER. This is a side effect of my Zoloft and I think having 3 kids, working a full time job AND going to school has something to do with it too. My husband thinks I'm just frigid.

When my husband and I first got together what we argued the most about was money. He thought bills should be paid first and then you play. I thought it was more fun to play first and worry about the bills when they showed up at the house in different colors. After 4 years I finally figured out that his way is probably the best route.

Now we're going on being together 6 years and our biggest argument is SEX. I give it up once a week and I find that to be more than generous. My husband does not agree, AND he thinks I should do more than just stare at the ceiling during. It's not that I don't enjoy it after we get started it's just that it makes me feel dirty. He tries to kiss me on the mouth and it just makes me want to puke because I think kissing is gross. I never used to think this way but now I can't help it. If he tries to get me to do it more than once a week I turn into a raging bitch and pretty much resent him.

Today we had 45 minutes of just me and him time... and what did we do? Have sex because if we didn't he'd just keep talking about it and I'd want to throw up. Our idea of showing each other love are two totally different things and this is getting REALLY hard to deal with!

Family first... yeah right

As you can see I'm slacking on my quest... getting 45 minutes alone with my husband 3 times a week is a lot harder than it sounds. Especially when we had a birthday party to plan for our 12 year old this week. We did manage to fit in 2, 45 minute sessions. Not much was accomplished.
Our first session was on Friday the 8th. Earlier in the week my husband had gone to The Meadows Buffett with his culinary arts class and he wanted me to see what it was like so off we went. I personally was not impressed, I was also tired due to only having 4 hours of sleep. (The night before was my "Monday" and when you were graveyard the first night is always the hardest.) Our conversation mainly consisted on the orange chicken not being so good. We did however enjoy tasting the dessert table. It was hard to keep my husband talking at the table he's the type that after he eats he wants to leave, no idle chit chat. We made it though! The other topic of discussion was our 12 year old's birthday party. Who was coming, how he was going to get the cake done, who was going to take the kids to the football game... we have yet to have a session where we don't discuss our kids...

Our second session was Saturday evening. After the birthday party and everyone I made sure I got ready for work early so we could spend some quality time together before I went to work. We discussed how my oldest son who has Asperger's Syndrome was so thrilled with his gifts, how we were happy he finally had a couple friends over as this was a huge step for him. Again our discussion was based on the kids.

In between sessions we do get time to talk. Our issue this week is my husband wanting more affection from me. I am not a cuddler, I don't like to hug, I don't like to kiss, I don't like to hold hands. I hate that stuff. It's awkward and uncomfortable to me. My husband needs physical touch to feel loved. I seriously could go the next 6 months without having sex and be fine. My husband thinks he needs sex 5 times a day to survive. He is constantly groping me and saying stuff in regards to us having sex. I hate it and can't force myself to have sex more than once a week. He says I should try harder, I say he should try harder at leaving me the hell alone. This is a huge problem in our relationship and I have a feeling it's going to come to blows this coming week. Stay tuned.....

Welcome to my quest....

“All marriages are happy. It's the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.” Raymond Hull. This describes my marriage. My husband and I have been married for 18 months. We’ve been together almost 6 years and yet we seem to have no time for each other. Between working 3rd shift, school and 3 kids, my husband seem more like business partners than lovers. I’M ON A QUEST TO BRING BACK THE PASSION IN OUR MARRIAGE, WHAT WE HAD WHEN WE FIRST GOT TOGETHER. For the next 30 days I will be spending 45 minutes 3 times a week with just my husband and me. This journey will either make us or break us!
If you’re not “getting” this quest, or you think its lame you’re most likely single, childless, or you have a nanny. To you I say “KEEP IT THAT WAY”. Really I wouldn’t change anything in my life, except for maybe the nanny part. Even if you do fall into one of the above categories you should still follow me on my quest, because if you ever do want a family you’ll see what to expect!
There are several different reasons why I chose this as my quest. I am a very independent woman; I’ve always been that way so being in a partnership has always been a struggle for me even after six years. My husband on the other hand is very much comfortable with being around me and the kids 24/7. He doesn’t worry about “guy” time, or needing a “man cave” he’s perfectly happy being at home with me and kids. I know most women dream of this. Me not so much I like my free time!
In June of this year I went from being in the insurance field with a 9-5 Monday thru Friday job to being a Corrections Officer working third shift Thursday thru Monday. Although my husband is very supportive he doesn’t understand the stress this type of job carries.
Again, like I brought up in the beginning there is the kid factor. We have three boys ages 12, 5 and 2. Our 12 year old Joel is actually my son from a previous relationship but his father is deceased and Chris is his only father figure. Joel has Asperger’s Syndrome which is a form of autism, you’ll learn about the stress that goes along with that. Have you seen Napoleon Dynomite? If you have, that’s what living with Joel is like. He’s weird, but he’s very smart and if he can get through the awkward teen years he will be amazing. Xavier is our 5 year old, well to simply put it Xavier is an asshole. He’s a funny, adorable, loveable asshole but he’s an asshole all the same. Yes, I just described my 5 year old as an asshole, you’ll hear more about him and you’ll agree just wait, don’t judge me. Then we have Mr. Leo, he is our baby. He’s sweet, smart, and cuddly but he’s a Daddy’s boy and that drives me crazy. As a matter of fact he refers to me as “Not Daddy”.
As you can see there are a lot of different factors that have brought me to this quest. I’m interested to see what this quest does for our partnership and to our family as a whole. Happy parents make for a happy family! I hope you will enjoy reading about my journey. I’m a say it like it is type of person so my quest will not be those for the faint at heart!